by Ben Schrager. Instagram: @ben.schrager. Bluesky: @benschrager.bsky.social. SPARTANBURG, SC - Good news and bad news, Broadway Beatniks (does that work as a name for our fanbase? We’re testing it out). The good news is that we’ve tracked down Diana Goodman from Next to Normal, and she’s still alive! The bad news is, she’s fully into RFK Jr. now. “The doctors tried to convince me that their electroshock and pills could save me. But it was only after I heard RFK Jr. speak tha

by Matt Keeley. @reallymattkeeley. Whoa there, Tiger! You call yourself an Edging all-star? Don’t make me laugh. You may think you’ve mastered the sublime art of climactic deprivation, but that’s nothing compared to this actor who was contracted as an understudy and went the entire run without going on. That’s right, they were hired to learn a principal cast member’s track: lines, blocking, costume changes, and those goddamn scene transitions, without so much as having the d

by Edward Precht. @pertoltprecht. NEW YORK, NY – The secret to a great piece of art is a great, unanswerable question, and, in the case of Proof – now playing at the Booth Theatre – that question is the authenticity of a newly-discovered mathematical formula. Earlier today, the brightest minds behind The Broadway Beat announced they’d solved said formula, and it turns out it’s “80085,” also known as the numeric spelling of the English word “boobs.” “Its simplicity is in its c

by Conor Moroney. @conorseamusactor. WILMINGTON, MA – Oh dear. Giovanni Gorlami, a precocious 16-year old with ambitions of being a writer, has discovered that you are allowed to swear in plays. “Oh man, I was [redacted] stoked!” Gorlami said, not taking his eyes off the rapidly scrolling YouTube shorts. “I picked up this one book Glengamy Green Moss [sic] and saw how many times they said [redacted]. I’m going to start writing some[redacted]thing like that and I’m gonna show

by Matt Keeley. @reallymattkeeley. Heyy, heyyyyy, you ever get to thinking about like…like if you take all of the collected works of William Shakeshpeare. And you pick out any of ‘em…be it any of the surviving 38 plays, or 150 sonnetsh…well, heck, all Shakeshpeare can be Drunk Shakespeare if you just think abouddit! BURP Just imagine…you don’t gotta have a whole producshunnn behind it. You don’t need realishtick coshtumes or fanshy sets…just the words, the players, and an aud

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio. NEW YORK, NY - Local theatregoer Rich Culver—upon leaving a performance of the new Broadway play Giant, showcasing the 1983 scandal revolving around antisemitic remarks made by author Roald Dahl—was shocked and disappointed to learn that the man who made such remarks also wrote some very famous children’s books. “It’s one thing to defend Hitler, but it’s another to do a whole book about a chocolate factory when I can’t even taste the chocolate. Do

by Ben Schrager. Instagram: @ben.schrager. Bluesky: @ benschrager.bsky.social . NEW YORK, NY - Upon hearing the news that Maya Rudolph will take over the title role in Oh, Mary!, local man and person who has anxiety about putting a comma right next to an exclamation point, Harold Freidenreich, began to suspect that the show’s Broadway engagement is not actually strictly limited. “I’ve read the show’s Broadway press release from 2024 over and over: it said it was coming for a

by Jennifer Haining. @itsraininghaining. NEW YORK, NY — Tonight’s the night! You and your irresponsibly young son have the hottest ticket in town - The Lost Boys on Broadway! But while you’re gearing up for curtain, saddled with your on-theme but lazily named “Bloody Mary” house cocktail, you look to your left and notice your little is nowhere to be found, mama! “Honestly I didn’t know we let six-year olds come to this,” House Manager Leroy Laroux notes as he struggles to r

by Jake Alexander. MINNEAPOLIS - 25-year-old waitress Pick-Me-Up Diner waitress Susie Tomlins made headlines this week for introducing her Meisner Technique training to her nine-to-five, with multiple customers claiming she’s been repeating the orders back to the customers after they've been placed. “I think she’s taking it way too far,” lamented Pick-Me-Up manager Lenny Grodner while slicing ham in thick slabs behind the deli counter. “She’s trapping people in a scene of re

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio. NEW YORK, NY - A brand new cast has arrived in Hadestown , and some of these folks are hotter than a steel mill! Let’s meet a few of these new players, and—wait a minute, who’s this?! It’s my Uncle Alan, recently widowed and looking very handsome in his new suit. Perhaps you’d be interested in meeting him as well? Joshua Colley Your new Orpheus is no stranger to working on a song. He’s appeared in stage productions all over the country, but is wel