I Have Been Named Kalshi’s Inaugural Playwriting Fellow

by James La Bella.

NEW YORK, NY - After a gutting rejection from Palantir’s Neurodivergent Fellowship, I am happy to report that I have been named Kalshi’s Inaugural Playwriting Fellow.

I’m tickled pink to be spending the upcoming year writing plays for prediction market platform Kalshi as a part of their “We Do This Now” initiative. It’s an excellent and rare opportunity for an emerging queer artist to create for a website that lets you bet on food shortages. Reports that this is a “clumsy PR move” or “possibly a money laundering scheme” are no more real than Congress’ ability to use Kalshi for insider trading. They can’t anymore!

Per the commission, my first play will be called Labubu Matcha Ohio, and it will have a public reading in Dimes Square on 6/7. The show, produced by Clavicular, will star Sydney Sweeney and Mr. Beast in what can only be called a noticeably-AI-generated take on Mother Courage with the politics fixed to reflect the inherent righteousness of wartime profiteering and complete ironic detachment. Also, Erika Kirk will be there. Probably with some pyrotechnics. I don’t know. We have this huge budget. 

On top of my generous commission from Kalshi, I’m happy to share that I’ve also been awarded $10,000 as resident dramaturg for ChatGPT and $5,000 as an LGBTQ fellow for Claude. I look forward to teaching ChatGPT how to write like Ibsen and teaching Claude how to do poppers or whatever.

To my friends who are skeptical, I say: “Sam Altman is a gay guy. Basically we do this stuff now. Happy Pride.” Frankly, it will be a relief to have financial security with the expiration of my artistic internship at Lockheed Martin. 

With the ever draining pool of resources for new playwrights, I’m just happy to have a gig. IDGAF how it happens. I need money. Get J.D. Vance on the horn for all I care. Get President Snow on the horn. Call Christine Schwarzman. Theater isn’t political and neither is my fellowship at Kalshi.