by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio. SEATTLE - “Go Sportsball” proclaimed local actor Henry Huress at a friend’s Super Bowl party to much guffawing, despite the fact that he and almost all of the guests have dedicated their lives to performing highly specialized physical feats in front of an audience of passionate devotees. “Slam dunk! Lol that’s football, right?” questioned Huress, who arrived at the party following a grueling workout and physical therapy session. “The whole competi

by Conor Moroney. @conorseamusactor NEW YORK, NY – Bummer. It is with great reluctance to inform you that the cast for The Rocky Horror Show contains a mere two Academy Award nominees. “You hate to see it happen,” said Peter Styles, a source with a sinful amount of Google alerts for casting announcements. “How does one expect to succeed in this town with just two nominees? At this rate, they might as well board up Studio 54 and turn it back into a Roller Disco!” Meanwhile,

by Edward Precht. @#pertoltprecht. WASHINGTON, DC – Earlier this week, it was announced that the White House plans to close the Kennedy Center for two years to undergo, quote, “renovations.” Experts speculate the move is a direct response to public outcry – and the subsequent cancellations of several high-profile artists’ shows – after the President’s self-renaming of what many see as one of America’s premier theatrical organizations.  Such blatant censorship, hot on the heel

by Sarah Lasko. NEW YORK, NY. — In a shocking turn of events, it was discovered that Jeremy Jordan is currently still stuck to a concrete slab inside Lincoln Center’s Vivian Beaumont Theater in Manhattan.  “We were in the middle of watching Act One of Ragtime  when I first noticed,” explained long-time LincTix subscription holder, Edith Pfenway, after assuring us that she was definitely still young enough to qualify for LincTix. “I assumed from the overalls he wore that he wa

by Dylan Bivings. @dmacbivings. NEW YORK, NY. - After years of speculation, we here at The Broadway Beat have secured a breaking exclusive at Gregory’s Coffee where professional barista, Payton Greene, has broken down the most burning question to ever rack the minds of musical theatre: How do you measure year in cups of coffee? “A lot of people think the Gregorian calendar stems from Pope Gregory XIII,” said Payton, effortlessly stirring Anthony Rapp’s likeness into her latte

by Kinsey Jasnoch. @kinseyjasnoch. ROCHESTER, NEW YORK –  Westview High School sophomore Tommy Fairbrook revealed this week that his skittish new Driver’s Ed teacher, who introduced himself rather dubiously as “Kevin… Kevin Ansen,” has been instructing his students to avoid potential mistakes by slamming on the car’s brake before they’ve even turned the key.  “I’m just trying to learn the basics – you know, turn signals, driving in snow – so I can get my license this summer,”

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio. Scenic design by Derek McLane. NEW YORK, NY - FUCK! I’ve had a long day and really wanted to unwind and soak in my bathtub, but it turns out my tub is the one they use for the “Splish Splash” number in Broadway’s Just in Time . You have got to be kidding me… I was so ready: bubbles brewing, seltzer poured, romantasy novel ready to become water-stained.  But then I heard a faint, magnetically charming croon emerge from the pipes. I thought it might

by Matt Keeley. @reallymattkeeley. Heyy, heyyyyy, you ever get to thinking about like…like if you take all of the collected works of William Shakeshpeare. And you pick out any of ‘em…be it any of the surviving 38 plays, or 150 sonnetsh…well, heck, all Shakeshpeare can be Drunk Shakespeare if you just think abouddit! BURP Just imagine…you don’t gotta have a whole producshunnn behind it. You don’t need realishtick coshtumes or fanshy sets…just the words, the players, and an aud

by James La Bella. @James.La.Bella. Original Bug photo by Lily Cummings. NEW YORK, NY - Local Manhattan resident Richard “Dick” Smarge has been leading a small but vocal campaign against the quote “deeply unimaginative” revival of Tracy Letts’ Bug currently running Broadway, claiming he can get the same or better in his own East Village walk-up.  “ Bug is back at my place too. You see me braggin’ about it?” Snapped Dick, double-handin’ cigarettes and dollar slices like a p

by Matt Keeley. @reallymattkeeley. PALO ALTO, CA - Backstage at the Palo Alto Playhouse, confused cast members were left with an indeterminate amount of time to prepare for the top of show when complacent stage manager Robert Gilman called for places whenever. “We were just chatting in our dressing room, still mid-hair and makeup, when we heard him announce places in, you know, whenever feels right,” said puzzled ensemble member Stephanie Schwartz, mentally calculating if she