Soprano Denies Superiority Complex, But “Can Only Hit Alto Notes While Sick and Disgusting”

by Keeley Bell. @omgitskee.

ST. LOUIS, MO – This community college cast of Company thought their Marta was stuck-up when she scoffed at the alto line in “You Could Drive a Person Crazy,” but she swears she can only hit alto notes while experiencing a horrible respiratory infection! 

“When I said ‘my vocal cords are too healthy to hit that Middle C in the trio,’ everyone took it so wrong,” Forte told The Broadway Beat with a speaking voice that could only rival Ariana Grande during the Wicked press tour, in both tone and authenticity. “It’s not that I think I’m better than altos, I just can only sing their stuff when I have laryngitis, COVID, or spent 13 minutes in a burning building after accidentally leaving my curling iron on. ” 

Forte even claimed to have a doctor’s note for her condition, so we reached out to her ENT. 

“Aria is a classic case of Sopranitis, aka when one’s soprano identity gets so inflated – I mean inflamed – that they physically can’t look at any note that lies below the staff without lowered inhibitions,” said Dr. Arpeggio, pointing to the lungs of his patented Kristin Chenoweth Vocal Health Dummy. “So, medically? Her association of sickness and lower singing isn’t a superiority complex…socially, though? Ehhhhh who’s to say?” 

But the cast of Company isn’t so sure. Due to the perceived disrespect, the altos have refused to share the stage with her until she apologizes.

“She once had like, eight drunk cigarettes and then signed up to sing ‘When You’re Good to Mama’ at karaoke. I quit smoking two years ago and can still play Mama Morton,” said Connie Tralto, who plays Joanne, smacking her nicotine gum loudly near the Elaine Stritch altar displayed in her dressing room. “My culture is not a costume for you to throw on when you have bronchitis.” 

Luckily, the show will go on. In the end, Forte was given the top harmony on “You Could Drive a Person Crazy,” because she threw up at the very thought of singing those “bubu-bubu”'s - which, ironically, made it easier for her to sing them.