by Kinsey Jasnoch. @kinseyjasnoch. ROCHESTER, NEW YORK – Westview High School sophomore Tommy Fairbrook revealed this week that his skittish new Driver’s Ed teacher, who introduced himself rather dubiously as “Kevin… Kevin Ansen,” has been instructing his students to avoid potential mistakes by slamming on the car’s brake before they’ve even turned the key. “I’m just trying to learn the basics – you know, turn signals, driving in snow – so I can get my license this summer,”

by Brady Thomas. @cbradyt. TULSA, OK. — It’s official: woke is back on the menu! Just this afternoon, Emmett Jameson, president of the local Golden Age Players, has announced that, all next season, they’ll be performing land acknowledgments at the top of their productions of racially dated musicals. “At the Golden Age Players, we can’t have our eyes closed to the horrors of the past,” claimed Jameson, who only stages musicals that premiered before the passage of the Civil Ri

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio. SEATTLE - “Go Sportsball” proclaimed local actor Henry Huress at a friend’s Super Bowl party to much guffawing, despite the fact that he and almost all of the guests have dedicated their lives to performing highly specialized physical feats in front of an audience of passionate devotees. “Slam dunk! Lol that’s football, right?” questioned Huress, who arrived at the party following a grueling workout and physical therapy session. “The whole competi

By Harald Krichel / WikiPortraits, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=159926820 Oscar nominee Timothée Chalamet has faced backlash for his claims that “nobody cares” about opera and ballet—but if you thought he was going to apologize, think again, loser! Timmy has instead revealed five other beloved art forms he thinks are totally lame dogshit. Photography “All respect to cameras, but I can do that by looking at something and blinking hard.” Puppetr

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio. Scenic design by Derek McLane. NEW YORK, NY - FUCK! I’ve had a long day and really wanted to unwind and soak in my bathtub, but it turns out my tub is the one they use for the “Splish Splash” number in Broadway’s Just in Time. You have got to be kidding me… I was so ready: bubbles brewing, seltzer poured, romantasy novel ready to become water-stained. But then I heard a faint, magnetically charming croon emerge from the pipes. I thought it might

by Matt Keeley. @reallymattkeeley. CHICAGO - In a heartwarming twist of fate that theater critics are calling a "perfect storybook ending," Incitement Theatre Artistic Director Zachary Townshend ended a months’-long search for the perfect leading man after discovering it was him all along. “We wanted to examine every possible avenue in casting,” explained Townshend, seated by an impressive pile of headshots and resumes, with his own lying conspicuously on the top. “We held we

by Allyson Stathers. @allysonstathers. WILMORE, KY — How bold! After receiving many tasty suggestions from the audience, university improv troop Friday Night Live has officially gone with "coffee shop" for the location of a scene. ”It’s always a safe location to pretend to be at,” claimed FNL’s troop member Caden Acorn as he mimed making a strawberry matcha. “Why risk it? It’s always best to be realistic while in improv, right?” We spoke with Senior Garvin Sneed, FNL’s stude

by Conor Moroney. @conorseamusactor NEW YORK, NY – Bummer. It is with great reluctance to inform you that the cast for The Rocky Horror Show contains a mere two Academy Award nominees. “You hate to see it happen,” said Peter Styles, a source with a sinful amount of Google alerts for casting announcements. “How does one expect to succeed in this town with just two nominees? At this rate, they might as well board up Studio 54 and turn it back into a Roller Disco!” Meanwhile,

by Edward Precht. @#pertoltprecht. WASHINGTON, DC – Earlier this week, it was announced that the White House plans to close the Kennedy Center for two years to undergo, quote, “renovations.” Experts speculate the move is a direct response to public outcry – and the subsequent cancellations of several high-profile artists’ shows – after the President’s self-renaming of what many see as one of America’s premier theatrical organizations. Such blatant censorship, hot on the heel

by Leah Windahl. @leah_windahl. THE AMC ON 42 nd STREET, NY – Though usually a place where dreams come true, everyone has a nice time, and nobody gets bedbugs, the atmosphere at the 42nd Street AMC was decidedly bleak last Friday, as the audience emerged from an exclusive press-screener of Warner Brother’s so-called upcoming film, Wicked: 1½, which was clearly a re-release of 1939’s The Wizard of Oz . “I thought this was going to be, like, a secret third film,” said micro