FUCK! I Just Wanted to Relax in the Tub But it Turns Out My Tub is the Tub from JUST IN TIME

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.

Scenic design by Derek McLane.

NEW YORK, NY - FUCK! I’ve had a long day and really wanted to unwind and soak in my bathtub, but it turns out my tub is the one they use for the “Splish Splash” number in Broadway’s Just in Time. You have got to be kidding me…

I was so ready: bubbles brewing, seltzer poured, romantasy novel ready to become water-stained. 

But then I heard a faint, magnetically charming croon emerge from the pipes. I thought it might be a neighbor (that’s New York City for ya) but before I knew it, Tony winner Jonathan Groff was in my bathroom, surrounded by three ladies singing in unison and two rubber ducks quacking in rhythm. I mean what the hell. 

This isn’t relaxing at all! It’s high energy, quirky fun - which is not what I’m looking for. I had a long day.

I'm hoping it'll be over quick, but I do see over 12 musicians crammed into my bathroom ready to accompany him. Who ok'd this? I feel like if your tub is the tub from Just in Time, it should at least be mentioned in the lease. 

By the time they’re done with that dance break, I just know my bath water is gonna be cold - and it already takes forever to hear up (that’s New York City for ya). FUUUUUCK.

What really pisses me off is Jonathan Groff steppin’ out the tub and puttin’ his feet on the floor. I mean, you’re dripping water everywhere, man. And I saw you grab a wad of toilet paper and half-heartedly try to dry it up, but you really just spread it around more. Now there’s little bits of toilet paper on the floor. This is not what I needed after a long day.

Oh thank god, it looks like they’re wrapping up. That was a lot of fun, but I’m glad it’s over and will never happen again. Now I can take my bath in peace and-wait, what do you mean it’s a two -show day? Ah well, I guess that’s New York City for actually no. No. Fuck that. Get out of my house.