“Go Sportsball!” says Eye-Rolling Actor Who Performs Physical Feats for an Audience Daily

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.

SEATTLE - “Go Sportsball” proclaimed local actor Henry Huress at a friend’s Super Bowl party to much guffawing, despite the fact that he and almost all of the guests have dedicated their lives to performing highly specialized physical feats in front of an audience of passionate devotees.

“Slam dunk! Lol that’s football, right?” questioned Huress, who arrived at the party following a grueling workout and physical therapy session. “The whole competition feels a little silly; I mean, why does this one final game bear so much importance? It’s not like there won’t be others. Whatever, I can’t stay late anyway. I have a final callback in the morning for the role I’ve dreamed of playing since I was a kid.”

At press time, Huress was overheard asking the hosts if they can change the channel to “The Turning Point USA Haltime Show,” at which point we realized there’s actually a very different story going on here and got the fuuuuck out of there.