by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio. NEW YORK, NY - Local theatregoer Rich Culver—upon leaving a performance of the new Broadway play Giant, showcasing the 1983 scandal revolving around antisemitic remarks made by author Roald Dahl—was shocked and disappointed to learn that the man who made such remarks also wrote some very famous children’s books. “It’s one thing to defend Hitler, but it’s another to do a whole book about a chocolate factory when I can’t even taste the chocolate. Do

by Ben Schrager. Instagram: @ben.schrager. Bluesky: @benschrager.bsky.social. CONEY ISLAND, NY - The serenity of the seashore’s surf stopped short this Sunday, sliced by screams in its stead: Sandy, a seashell seller washed up dead around 1:58 or 1:59 this afternoon. “Everyone knew her,” said local baker Betty Botter, while exchanging a bit of bitter butter she bought at the bodega for some better butter. “She sells… well, sold seashells by the seashore,” blubbered Betty. “So

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio. P!NK photo By Raph_PH - PinkSpurs160624 (33 of 156), CC BY 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=149507004 June Squibb photo By Harald Krichel - Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=165906153 NEW YORK, NY - On the heels of Broadway legend P!NK being announced as this year’s Tony Awards host, The Broadway Beat has been given an exclusive first look at her opening number, which will blend her deep ca

by Ben Schrager. Instagram: @ben.schrager. Bluesky: @ benschrager.bsky.social . SPARTANBURG, SC - Good news and bad news, Broadway Beatniks (does that work as a name for our fanbase? We’re testing it out). The good news is that we’ve tracked down Diana Goodman from Next to Normal , and she’s still alive! The bad news is, she’s fully into RFK Jr. now. “The doctors tried to convince me that their electroshock and pills could save me. But it was only after I heard RFK Jr. speak

by Sarah Lasko. @saraheleora. LINCOLN, NE. – In an unforeseen act of grit and bravery, the nation’s ivories have called for an end to inappropriate tickling, once and for all. “This is the start of a new day,” declares Josh Steinway, a representative for PIANO (Protecting Instruments Against Nonconsensual Overtures). “No more will we withstand getting our keys pounded at parties. The next time any of you attempt a tipsy ‘Heart and Soul,’ expect to hear from our lawyers.” Man

by Conor Moroney. @conorseamusactor. SYRACUSE, NY – Thomas Kensington, a professional actor looking to make a name for himself, really wishes that the Shakariffic Theatre Company would stop using a picture of his crying face to advertise their training program. “Denzel in Glory and Meryl in Sophie’s Choice this ain’t,” Kensington said, sweatily assuring us he is regularly getting emails about callbacks and offers. “It comes off two ways: either someone there hates me and wan