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  • Writer's pictureBroadway Beat

Local Woman Claims to be Anti-Capitalist Despite Clearly Dating Daddy Warbucks

by Katie Toledo. @kxtietoledo.

NEW YORK, NY – Local woman and avid infograph-reposter Claire Dern was spotted outside Nobu holding hands with internationally-known billionaire philanthropist Daddy Warbucks despite overwhelming insistence to be against “his whole thing.”


“I couldn’t believe it at first, but then she posted the soft launch on her Instagram story. I’d know that bald head anywhere,” reports best friend Tessie, displaying a strategically-angled photograph of a coffee cup just blocking the face of a man in a suit on her phone. “She told me she was a leftist, but I’m pretty sure this guy is the face of the oil industry right now.”


A known community activist, Dern is said to have surprised her friends and family with her latest choice of partner. Many were shocked to learn that the two originally met whilst Dern was volunteering at a nearby animal shelter, as she assisted her future beau in returning a Labrador Retriever that was said to have “behavioral issues.”


Interestingly, Dern’s social media profiles were teeming with support for movements in direct conflict with Warbucks’ multiple enterprises.


“She would make a really big deal out of any of us ordering from Amazon because they won’t unionize,” claims a former roommate, who we found scrubbing the floor to such a degree that it matched the top of the Chrysler Building. “Like, your boyfriend is on the board of directors. Maybe you should worry about that.”


“I just think I have a type,” Dern explained whilst overseeing a chorus of housekeeping staff in a lavishly choreographed cleaning sequence at Warbucks’ mansion, “But I still tried to keep it broad. Only the necessities: looking for a successful businessman with a warm heart. Stiff-collared, strong mover, baritone. That kind of thing.”


Further investigation shows her Tinder biography included her desire for a “sugar daddy” as well as a profile anthem by popular music artist Grimes.


When approached for comment, Dern claimed the pair were not exclusive and were more of a “Taylor-and-Matty-situation.”

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