“AI is the Future of Art!” says Producer Who Hasn’t Used Zoom Right Even Once

by Dylan Bivings.

FT. COLLINS, Co - After reports that his new musical is facing script delays, Producer David Dunn, who has never used Zoom correctly even a little bit, has suggested having ChatGPT to write the script because, quote: “AI is the future of Art.”

“Aha! There you are! I can see you, can you see me?” asked Mr. Dunn, camera turned off with his headshot from 40 years ago. “The industry of theatre is changing everyday and it’s our jobs as creatives to—“ The meeting timed out at the 40 minute mark because he was apparently talking for 37 minutes before realizing I was still in the waiting room.

General Manager, David Dunn Jr. interviewed with us over Zoom, unaware his screen share was on.

“Dad’s always been like this. Why hire a pro when you can just get a computer to do it?” he asked while doom scrolling on Indeed. “They cast a baritone as Tony in last year’s production of West Side Story and suggested using AI to help him hit the notes. His reasoning? The budget was limited and apparently the only tenor in town was Equity.” He then proceeded to type-search "Target manager positions."

Frustrated playwright Amy Goldberg sat down with us over Zoom, violently ripping up previous drafts of the show with her mouth.

“That cheap fuck wants me to use ChatGPT? Fine! Here’s a prompt!!” she said, typing and popping Zyns like mints. “Craft an unforgettable opening number with an upbeat yet engaging tune, lyrics that feel timeless in any era, all while in the stylings of the best classical musical theatre has to offer. Let’s see the garbage this thing ma— ...Holy shit, it just pumped out 'Jellicle Cats.'”

It appears The Broadway Beat fax machine is going off for the first time in two decades with a message from Dunn. It reads "Can you put me in touch with Jerry Orbach? We need a star attached to this thing."