Little Girl Dreams of Broadway Stardom So That She Can One Day Be Cast in a Small Role on HBO’s THE GILDED AGE

by Kinsey Jasnoch. @kinseyjasnoch.

EDWARDSVILLE, Ill. — Nine-year-old Lily Crimp officially announced today that when she grows up, she wants to be one of musical theatre’s most celebrated and decorated stars so that she can fulfill her true dream of being cast as a tertiary character on HBO’s historical drama The Gilded Age. 

“Like any kid with big dreams, there are strong, powerful women whom I look up to and whose careers I want to emulate,” Lily shared on the way home from very expensive voice lessons while scrolling through pictures of bustles on her iPad. “Do you think Audra McDonald would have landed the enviable role of ‘Peggy’s mom’ if she didn’t have six Tonys?” 

According to Lily’s mother, Jen Havisham-Crimp, Lily’s interest in musicals theatre really took off when she saw Laura Benanti guest starring in a handful of Gilded Age episodes as a Rhode Island-based widow who has a passionate affair with the main characters’ young architect son. 

“I’ll never forget what she said that day: ‘Mama, I’m just a Tony away from a three-episode sexcapades arc.’ It seemed to really light a fire in her. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that the glut of Broadway actors on the show is mostly just because they shoot in New York. American Theatre Wing approval isn’t, like, a prerequisite.” 

However, Marc Segway, who has directed Lily in three community theatre productions, agrees with his protégé that a strong background is vital to her life’s ambition. 

“I’m very well connected. I’ve talked to Kelli O’Hara’s hometown theatre director. I’ve talked to Celia Keenan-Bolger’s middle school drama teacher,” he shared after brutally berating a rendition of “Giants in the Sky” sung by a nervous fifth grader. “Do you know what they say? They say it’s clear a lot of kids will make it to Broadway—that’s small potatoes—but only a few possess the raw talent to play Christine Baranski’s niece who is around sometimes. Or a housekeeper who is in love with a chef despite various obstacles. I believe Lily has that talent.” 

At press time, Lily’s plan was to win two Tonys and cry during each acceptance speech to demonstrate her range to Julian Fellowes, who will then hire her to play a lady’s maid who accidentally neglects her responsibilities because of her crush on a much younger footman from a different house.