High School Theatre Teacher Spent Whole Night Coming Up with Cast List Optimized to Destroy Friendships

by Brady Thomas. @cbradyt.

BAKERSFIELD, CA. —  The halls of Bakersfield Preparatory High School hummed with anticipation as theatre teacher Marco Tamborini entered the hallway, armed with a cast list he had spent the whole night poring over with one goal in mind: destroying as many student friendships as possible.

“I know it sounds crazy to say it like this,” whispered Anna Jennings, a senior with an anxious look in her eyes. “But trust me: without fail, every time that cast list goes up, at least one friendship goes up in flames.”

Jennings looked furtively around the room before adding:

“My older sister still has a scar on her back from when Katie Weiss attacked her after losing out on Cinderella, and they’d been besties since pre-k! That glass slipper is glazed in blood.”

AP English teacher Jacob Klepacki surveyed the scene as he walked to his classroom, bracing himself for another semester of inter-student conflicts.

“Look, I’ve been teaching here for 20 years, and it’s the same old shit like clockwork,” sighed Klepacki, pounding back his morning coffee. “I’ll give Tamborini this: he has an eye for which of these kids are most likely to combust.  It’s just frustrating that I can’t get through a lesson on Hamlet without these dramatic little egoists cyberbullying each other on school laptops.”

When asked about his reputation for socially contentious casting, Tamborini made no effort to hide his true intentions.

“Let me have one thing that lets me feel any sort of thrill,” said Tamborini in a matter-of-fact tone. “I’m in so much debt from my BFA, and directing Bye Bye Birdie for the fourth time isn’t the kind of work that keeps me going. I mean, when you’re working with these kids over the years, you get good at picking up the dynamics: the social hierarchies, the crushes, the rivalries. Shouldn’t I get to rupture some of those interpersonal fault lines, as a treat?”

Eagerly anticipating the ensuing chaos, Tamborini pinned up the cast list before entering his classroom.  Before closing the door, he quipped offhand: “besides, they all need the validation, so it’s not like they’re going to stop auditioning.”