by Jennifer Haining. @itsraininghaining.
Elstree, UK - The latest heavily guarded casting news coming from inside the Wicked film adaptation names Pedro Pascal as everyone’s favorite Witch-Killing Death Star, Water Bucket - cuz he be straight up meltin' hearts.
“We knew it was going to be challenge to humanize the weapon that - spoiler alert - ganks our gorgeous green girl,” noted Casting Director Bank L. Fraum, who loves a good alliteration. “And who better to literally melt her heart than Pedro Pascal, who metaphorically melts mine minimum multiple times a day?”
Ariana Grande, a classically trained soprano who has shocked theater nerds worldwide by being able to do her job, is thrilled to be working with Pascal.
“The Water Bucket is going to be the breakout star of our film,” noted Grande, teeth audibly rage-chattering while she’s absentmindedly piercing holes into Pascal’s bucket costume. “Which is fine. I’m hitting high G-Sharps on the daily in a bone corset that’s constricting my ability to maintain life, but this is good. The guy who is mostly famous for a voiceover role has no lines in this movie and will still get the TikTok edits. I couldn’t be happier.”
Grande wasn't the only co-star harboring strong feelings, however. A Rubbermaid mop and bucket from the sound stage custodial closet were fully star-struck by Pascal’s arrival.
“They say to take any job on a film set, just to be in the room,” said the bucket, taking a long drag off its cigarette after cleaning up a particularly nasty pile of what can only be described as offensively green vomit? “But once you’re there, no one wants you to seek work outside your station. Mop was promised the role of Elphaba’s broom, but do you think that happened? No. Why? Because all they want is a name. Mop wasn’t going to get the role of the broom over Taylor Swift any more than I was going to play the murder bucket. It’s fucked. But at least we’re here, and not cleaning up the tears of some white high schooler in Ohio who thought she was gonna play Celie in The Color Purple.”
Pascal’s exact film schedule is yet to be determined, but rumors are flying like monkeys that he’s already landed in Oz. Barricades are being installed to stave off the already-named Water Baby fan base.
But guess what, fuckers? I’m already in here, hiding inside the bustles of Dorothy’s dress. Splish-splash Daddy, I’m about to take a bath.