by Hannah Lieberman. @hannahexceptbackwards.
BOSTON – Ongoing reporting confirms that Dr. Marjorie Jones, tenured voice instructor at the acclaimed Boston Conservatory, is unaware student Ella Sanchez really has to fart right now, even as Jones continues to push on her belly.
“It’s not something I have to worry about in other classes,” Sanchez remarked to her friends while dusting off a Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme during her 15-minute lunch break. “Normally I can just let one rip during a really dramatic moment in scene study class. But when Linklater Technique is after lunch? Oof.”
"Oof indeed," says Linda Monroe, Sanchez’s classmate and close friend. She reports that Dr. Jones’ voice class - normally filled with sounds of vocal scales or stretching warm-ups - sometimes includes a one-on-one guided lesson with a student that Jones has the rest of the class observe.
“I told her not to get extra refried beans,” explains Monroe, who herself opted for a Complete Cookie from the vending machine and swig of Diet Coke. “She said it would be fine because everyone in that class is always gyrating to loosen their pelvises or whatever. I mean, it normally looks like a mass exorcism in there.”
In today’s class, however, Dr. Jones reportedly eschewed the normal seizure-like pulsating for a more one-on-one approach. When Jones offered to demonstrate a diaphragm-relaxation technique on Sanchez in front of the whole class, Sanchez and Monroe are reported to have exchanged knowing glances.
“That poor girl,” said Melanie Jordan, a fellow voice student witnessing the impending tragedy unfold. “Her crush is in this class. Everyone knows she like-likes Michael F. and here Marjorie is jabbing at her gut, telling her to ‘just release’."
Jordan’s seeming sympathy soon faded.
“You’d think she’d have learned her lesson from that time we had to wear corsets in Chekhov right after she had gas station sushi. Which like... why would you do that to begin with? Worst Uncle Vanya ever.”
As of press time, Boston Conservatory does not provide hazard pay for instructors faced with flatulence-based danger.