Unvaccinated Man with No Plans to Visit New York & No Interest in Theatre Announces Broadway Boycott
by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
TWIN FALLS, Id. - Following today’s announcement that The Broadway League will require all audience members to provide proof of vaccination when attending reopened shows this fall, local, unvaccinated man Teddy Hubeld announced that he will be boycotting all Broadway shows, despite the fact that he does not plan to attend any and has no interest in theatre at all.
“This is an infringement on my basic human rights, and I will not allow anyone to punish me for my choices,” said Hubeld, who has been doing everything he likes to do and going everywhere he likes to go without consequence throughout the entire pandemic. “I am hereby boycotting all of Broadway, and even though I didn’t plan on seeing absolutely any shows at all, I’m… I’m especially not now. Even though they wouldn’t let me in anyway, which I guess defeats the purpose? No no, I’m right.”
When asked how long the boycott will last, Hubeld informed us that he will stay firm “until their vaccination guidelines are lifted”, and then “much longer after that, probably forever, but for unrelated reasons”. Hubeld’s cousin, Dana Fetterby, who has been laying low since January 6th, shared her views on the new policy.
“This is religious persecution,” noted Fetterby, ignoring us every time we mentioned that audiences may be exempt from sharing vaccine status and only have to show a negative PCR test if it is for religious reasons. “I, too, will continue not to give Broadway my money, but no longer just because it’s generally not my thing. Now it’s for a different reason. I want to make it clear that the same thing is happening but now for a different reason.”
A representative for The Broadway League noted that Hubeld’s case isn’t the only backlash they’ve faced.
“We’re hearing news of a mass boycott among people who have technically been boycotting all their lives anyway,” noted League rep Heather Corne, who has luckily been able to drown out the noise by just deleting these people’s angry emails. “These musicals will just have to continue getting their revenue from non-theatre fans the old fashioned way: a fraction-of-a-penny for every time they accidentally stream a song from the Margaritaville cast recording instead of actual Jimmy Buffet.”
At press time, boycotters were stepping up their rebellious efforts, leaving angry Twitter comments that automatically get hidden by the website’s algorithm, and buying and then throwing out cast recordings without realizing that they actually did just give the show money. Reports from several League members indicate that they have been mailed eggs from other states, with the intention being that the representatives throw them at their own houses.