UH OH! You Wanted to Enjoy WICKED: FOR GOOD But Your Parents Just Said They Want to Tell You Something Together When We Get Home, Bud

by Jennifer Haining.

Ashville, NC  —  It’s here! You’ve had your tickets to Wicked: For Good secured for weeks, and now you’re ready for the family outing of the century! But, uh oh! Mom and Dad just told you when you get home, they want to have a tough family conversation.

“I don’t think he’s ready for this, Jacqueline,” your father whispers loudly to your mother as he nervously clings to the customized Swarovski Galinda wand which he insists he bought by accident. “Combining this impending bombshell with the glittering social commentary of female love and friendship could damage his psyche."

Your mother, donning her new Wicked edition Doc Martens and a “Step On Me, Morrible, I’ve Been Horrible” tee, disagrees.

“It’s fine, David,” she insists while you drown yourself in the salted glow of the Ozdust special edition popcorn water bucket—which feels a bit dark, but doesn’t everything today? “Michelle Yeoh’s alluring yet sexually elusive commandeering of the screen is exactly what I—ahem—she needs.”

While you try to focus on Ariana Grande’s career-defining “Thank Goodness,” you realize the song's true meaning now rings hollow as you picture weekends staring into the abyss of blank walls surrounding your father’s sad bachelor pad.

“Hey buddy,” the Cowardly Lion suddenly addresses you from the silver screen. “I had to learn courage with the help of my friends, and you can too. Everyone goes through stuff that shapes who we are. Your dad, for instance, is at a crossroads in his personal life and career, and this is going to help him push past. Your mom, she’s a little bi, and who knows where that could lead. Point is, this will change you for the better. It’ll change you for good. Hey, that's the title!”

The credits roll, and you wonder if you need to see a therapist because Colman Domingo’s CGI Fursuit addressing you directly was real visceral. With visions of flying monkeys whizzing through your tiny, stress-addled mind, you brace for impact.

But guess what, buddy? Mom and dad aren’t getting a divorce! They’re just opening their relationship and wanted you to be the first to know. This is Todd and Allison, you’ll be seeing a lot more of them from now on.