IMPRESSIVE! Barista Breaks Down How to Measure a Year in Cups of Coffee

by Dylan Bivings. @dmacbivings.

NEW YORK, NY. - After years of speculation, we here at The Broadway Beat have secured a breaking exclusive at Gregory’s Coffee where professional barista, Payton Greene, has broken down the most burning question to ever rack the minds of musical theatre: How do you measure year in cups of coffee?

“A lot of people think the Gregorian calendar stems from Pope Gregory XIII,” said Payton, effortlessly stirring Anthony Rapp’s likeness into her latte. “But in truth, it’s history is here at Gregory’s and the amount of coffee produced per store, per year. With this model, you can measure a year in 10,209,785 cups of coffee, easy.”

Our intern Jimmy then asked about the Starbucks model and he was promptly thrown out of the store by Gregory himself.

Daniel Mann, Payton’s co-worker and TikTok musical history buff, sat down with us on his fifteen to offer an expert opinion.

“No, but Payton is absolutely correct here, specifically because of this…and this…,” he said, appearing to be pointing at text captions but in real life. “The link between the 90s and coffee shops is undeniable, and it makes so much sense why Roger and company would measure their lives in ten million cups of coffee, especially when getting unalived was such a tangible reality for them.”

Upon inspection, we’ve discovered Daniel has 14 followers, nine of which appear to be bot accounts.

Janet Rivers, a customer and self described queen of regional theatre, sprinted down 8th ave after eavesdropping, so that she could give her thoughts on the topic.

“In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. That’s the part that flies over everyone’s head,” noted Rivers, like she was sharing a secret. “I’m going to be embodying Mz. Maureen Johnson tomorrow, but when I was getting to know her, I came here everyday to really understand how to measure a year in cups of coffee. And after cup 9,285,791, I’m gonna be the best Maureen Gayle’s Broadway Rose has ever seen.”

Further reporting revealed Janet has suffered severe caffeine poisoning, so her co-worker sang “Take Me or Leave Me” in her place. She was signed to CAA immediately after.