Disappointing: I Shaved My Entire Body to See WICKED: FOR GOOD and Big Jonathan Bailey Barely Noticed

by Edward Precht. @pertoltprecht.

UPPER WEST SIDE, NY – Well, that was a waste of time. I just got out of an early screening of Wicked: For Good, and while I thought the movie was phenomenal, I couldn’t fully concentrate. I was too disappointed that Big Movie Screen Jonathan Bailey hardly mentioned that I’d shaved my entire body, tit to tip, just for him.

And I worked hard for it, too. Shoes to shaft, there wasn’t even a hint of hair. Itchy as hell, sure, but I thought it would be worth it. I was certain Giant Jonathan Bailey would notice I was waxed junk to trunk, slip-slidin’ around in my seat for his viewing pleasure. I’d catch his eye, and his gaze would linger on seat A2 of that Lincoln Square IMAX theater. Perhaps there’d be a glint of mischief in that eye, the start of a smile playing on his lips, as he saw that I was sheared ass to hat for him, just for him.

There was one moment, one beautiful moment, when he spoke directly to me. He’d turned towards me, big tears streaming down his big face, and said, “I love you, Tin Man.” Of course, I thought this was a reference to my shining skin and dry patches, but after the movie my cousin said Tin Man is, like, a guy in this?

I wouldn’t know – I was there for Kaiju Jonathan Bailey, and he was there to learn I was completely bare, boobs to tubes.

And look, I know he wasn’t going to notice me. I know he wasn’t going to pause the movie, staring down at me, and reach his giant hand out of the screen. I know he wasn’t going to pick me up and say, “My, my, you’re as pink and plucked as a stressed bird! I’ve never seen anything more beautiful!” and then wrap his soft mega-fingers around my body and pull me into the magical world of Oz.

I know that. I, I’m, I know that. I know he couldn’t. I know. That. I know that. I, I, I am aware, I know that. But a hairless 38-year-old can dream, right?

My review: not worth it. I mean, go see the movie, the movie’s incredible, but do not Nair the hair down there for someone who cannot and will not appreciate it. Ah, well, live and learn. I’m going home to watch the first Wicked, so Tiny Michelle Yeoh/Cynthia Erivo/Bowen Yang can take a look at my dear old Shiz.