BREAKING: Sour Patch Watermelon Really Missing a Fucking Layup Here

by Ben Schrager. Instagram: @ben.schrager. Bluesky: @benschrager.bsky.social.

NEW YORK, NY. –  In a move that is baffling the financial world, Sour Patch Watermelon has yet to announce a product tie-in with the upcoming Wicked: For Good premiere, opting instead to pass on an absolute fucking layup.

“We are always open to collaborations that align with our products, but we just don’t see the connection here,” said Johnathan Poulter, head of marketing for Sour Patch Watermelon and man who apparently loves flushing millions of dollars in shareholder value down the fucking toilet. “I mean, what do our little pink and green sour candies have to do with this movie musical? I don’t get it.”

Leadership at Mondelēz International, Sour Patch’s parent company, inexplicably agreed with their money-hating marketing team.

“You look at a lot of these brand tie-ins and they all feel kind of forced. We’re better than that,” said Dirk Van De Put, CEO of Mondelēz who might as well change his name to Ben fucking Simmons the way he’s passing up wide open fucking layups like this. “We’re in the candy business, and candy is all about fun. Wicked is not fun. And believe me, I know fun: I own a Cybertruck.”

Executives at NBC Universal still can’t believe a deal was never reached.

“We had companies begging us for opportunities to collaborate with Wicked: Chilli’s, Pottery Barn, Le Creuset, Crocs, Williams and Sonoma, hell we even had a crossover with Airbnb. The only company that didn’t return our calls were these Sour Patch motherfuckers with an already popular pink and green product ready to go,” said Brenda Collins, Executive Vice President of NBC Universal Entertainment, and the first person we talked to for this article to make any goddamn sense.

“You throw some sour gummy versions of Elphaba’s hat and Glinda’s wand in a limited edition batch and then you print money for the next two fiscal quarters. I don’t mean to sound hyperbolic, but they should be frog-marched out of their C-suites for corporate negligence.”

At time of reporting, Mr. Van De Put had announced that a product tie-in was now in the works. “We listened to the people and we are finally giving them what they want. Starting next week, we’ll be rolling out a Sour Patch Watermelon batch based around everyone’s favorite movie musical from this year: Kiss of the Spider Woman.”