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Unemployed Actor With No Insurance Living Through Pandemic Excited to Have Extra Day Off I Guess

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.

CINCINNATI, Oh. - Local unemployed actor Caroline Finn, who hasn’t had a paying role since the coronavirus pandemic halted all live performance this past March, expressed her excitement or whatever at Memorial Day adding an extra day to her weekend, the lackadaisical performer confirmed.


“Oh, right, it’s Memorial Day. Yeah that’s nice I guess, sure,” noted the actress while on hold with her state’s unemployment office. “I mean, I sleep in most days, so I guess I can sleep in today too. That’ll be nice. I would have a barbecue but, you know, I live alone, and can’t have people over. Maybe I’ll microwave a turkey sausage patty and pretend it’s a burger. Love a three day weekend.”


Other members of the entertainment world who have been hit hard by the pandemic shared their own appreciation for the extra 24 hours of relaxation.


“Holy fuck - it’s still May?” questioned actor Reese Reynolds, who hasn’t shaved since the first week of April. “Sure, yeah, an extra day off is nice. A day to chill and just kind of do nothing. I mean, I kind of do nothing on the other days too, but that’s doing nothing on the clock. This is doing nothing, fully free. Gonna be an epic day haha is it beer o’clock yet hahaha I am so stressed all of the time.”


The excitement doesn’t end with just performers, though. Various crew members of the local Cincinnati Stage were also looking forward to the holiday.


“Holy fuck - it’s still May?” asked stage manager Lucy Huston before walking slowly into her pool.


At press time, local performers were already counting the days until this Summer’s July 4th weekend, relaying their plans to “maybe sit outside for 15 minutes” and their hope that the city council will hire them to sing the National Anthem before their fireworks livestream.