Uncle in Front Row Enjoying Most Expensive Nap of His Life

by Matt Keeley. @reallymattkeeley.

CHICAGO - Nestled comfortably in the front row of Backroom Theatre Company’s production of Antigone, reports have surfaced that suburban uncle Lance Hirsch is currently enjoying his evening of supporting his niece Julianna by taking what amounted to be the most expensive nap of his life.

“We noticed someone’s head lolling in the first row pretty much right away. I don’t begrudge him for being there and feeling drowsy, but oof. Right up front?” winced audience member Roberto Diaz, whose limited seating options had placed him heavily into the restricted sight line section. “I would’ve at least sprung for rush tickets if I was gonna hop on the snooze cruise.”

By the end of the first scene, Mr. Hirsch was observed groggily settling deeper into his premium seats after finishing his $16 glass of Merlot and stifling a yawn with the program.

“When you work out the math, he’s paying upwards of $30 an hour to sleep sitting upright in a room near a group of other people talking. It’s certainly my hope that he gets his money’s worth,” calculated house manager Callie Jones, restocking the box office with fresh copy paper and a bottle of Ambien. 

“We even offer complimentary assistive devices. Weighted blankets, noise-canceling headphones, and even spare jammies to help our patrons get the most out of their night at the theater.”

At the performance’s intermission, Mr. Hirsch made his way groggily to the men’s room and then took a minute to share his thoughts on his night.

“I gotta say…this is one incredible evening so far. I’m not sure I understand much of the story, but…sorry, hang on,” yawned Hirsch, shaking his head and eyeing the lobby snack bar. “Mmm, peanuts. I had this dream where I was this guy…like, wearing some sorta toga in Ancient Greece. Buncha old guys with beards kept singin’ about the Gods punishing prideful men or something. Those who’d yawn squander the gifts they’ve been given…Say, you wanna split a bag of M&M’s?”

According to reports, Hirsch returned to comfortably sleep through Act Two before sleepily waiting in the lobby to thank his niece for the comp ticket.