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Tourist Counts Throwing Up In Times Square on New Year's Eve as Her Broadway Debut

by Caitlin Bitzegaio. @caitorade.

NEW YORK, NY - Tourist Monica Jackaway is updating her résumé today after vomiting in Times Square during the annual New Year’s Eve celebration - an act that Jackaway is counting as her Broadway debut.


“I was like wow, that girl can vomit!” said Virginia resident Hank Crawley, who was squished so close to Jackaway in Times Square that the TAO Downtown Nightclub stamp on Jackaway’s hand is still imprinted on Crawley’s face. “I’ve seen Jennifer Holiday’s debut performance in Dreamgirls on YouTube and I would say this was similar - in that I’ll never forget either.”


An aspiring actress, Jackaway was visiting New York from Kansas City for New Year’s Eve, which she celebrated by chugging “Champainful”-brand prosecco out of a Something Rotten! plastic cup she kept as a memento from a New York visit in 2015. While not a part of an organized play or musical, Jackaway gave a stunning performance.


Jackaway is hopeful that the embarrassing incident may lead to more opportunities on Broadway.


“While it’s maybe not the way I’d want to get attention on Broadway, I think a star finds their light or at least their vomit finds the light,” Jackaway pontificated while drinking her third Fierce Grape Gatorade in an hour. “And how many people can say Duran Duran saw their Broadway debut? Or at least, I think it was Duran Duran. It was definitely four Gen X British dudes. Or maybe Australian.”


English rock legends Duran Duran, who were performers at this year’s Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve, could not be reached for comment.


While Jackaway’s drunken antics were not an Actors’ Equity production, she has technically made money on her first Broadway stint.


“She hasn’t Venmoed me for the hotel, gas or Benihana’s,” complained Jackaway’s friend Wendy Ark, who seemed unaware she was still wearing a Planet Fitness foam hat. “She basically got paid to throw up in a public place.”


“Look, we all have to start somewhere,” said Jackaway. “I mean, it was this or improv.”

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