Top Psychologists Add Ability to Recite “Michael in the Bathroom” to Depression Diagnosis Criteria
by Sophia McGregor. @sophiacmcg.
TAMPA, Fl - The nation’s top psychological researchers have discovered a groundbreaking paragon of depression this week, finding that all individuals suffering from mental health issues share a strikingly similar characteristic: being able recite every single lyric of “Michael in the Bathroom” from Be More Chill, the top minds confirmed.
“There’s just something so soothingly relatable about an evil pill that tells you what to do, a peppy harmony about burning down the house, and using Mountain Dew Red to solve a dystopian crisis,” says psychiatrist Dr. Wood. “It truly resonates with those who are going through a tough time.”
Psychologists aren’t the only ones elated by the breakthrough.
“I’m really glad that my smol bean Michael’s song is making an impact in the therapy world,” says BMC fan Ashton Elliot. “There is just something about Be More Chill that you don’t get from the other three musicals - Hamilton, Heathers, and Dear Evan Hansen. And I’m glad it’s being used for good.”
This isn’t the first time Broadway has infiltrated the psychiatrist office. Doctors were criticized after their 2016 attempt to cure depression by telling clients that “everything will be alright” and “everyone hates his parents”- a response inspired by iconic character Dr. Mendel, who is now referred to by professionals as the modern day Sigmund Freud.
Though most psychology enthusiasts are thrilled to introduce this new criteria to the DSM-5, some are skeptical of this awakening.
“I just don’t think being able to recite ‘Michael In The Bathroom’ is something that most mentally ill people are able to do,” claimed Dr. Hildegard Vincent. “I mean, people who can recite cut songs from Hamilton at 2x speed on TikTok, maybe. But Be More Chill? I feel like their fans will never be as unstable their financial income.”
At press time, most views on the subject are overwhelmingly positive. Researchers are still gathering data on the severity in individuals who attempt to make their parents feel better about their divorces by telling them they’re ‘cooler than a vintage cassette’, but experts predict another 10-15 years before anything conclusive.