by Ben Connor. @bconnor20.
NEW YORK, NY – The American Theater Wing made final eligibility rulings for the 2023 TONY Awards today, deeming your aunt ineligible in all acting categories despite that scene she made at The Lion King.
“This was a decision we didn’t make lightly,” said American Theater Wing President Heather A. Hitchens, emerging from a locked room after 30 days of deliberations. “But it’s clear: eligible actors must perform for at least six consecutive weeks under an Equity contract, and may not simply come to a matinee, chew lozenges throughout the entire first act, and spend intermission yelling that it’s hard to understand what’s going on with all the singing.”
TONY Committee member Lydia Alcoss conceded that Aunt Caroline’s performance was not unworthy of recognition.
“The TONY Awards honor bold moments of authenticity in Broadway theatre, and nothing is bolder or more authentic than stage-whispering ‘He’s not very good, is he?’ every time Young Simba says a line,” said Alcoss, wiping away a tear of regret. “But rules are rules, and all of this year’s nominated actors will be people who were, you know, onstage. And not escorted out during ‘Can You Feel The Love Tonight.’”
Lion King patron Samuel Abbott, who was seated directly behind Aunt Caroline, dismissed the unfavorable ruling as shortsighted.
“Leave it to the TONYs to miss up-and-coming talent,” said Abbott, picketing outside the Theater Wing offices. “Jessica Chastain gets nominated. Josh Groban gets nominated. But this lady in front of me who clearly thought the show was supposed to be a sing-along is being overlooked just because she doesn’t have the name recognition and because she spilled a large soda on the five people sitting in front of her? Show business is such a game.”
At press time, the TONYs also ruled your grandfather ineligible for Best Sound Design of A Play, despite his snoring through the entirety of Good Night, Oscar.