"Another Hundred People Just Got Off of the Train", Says Woman In Country Lacking In High-Speed Rail

by Brady Thomas. @cbradyt.

NEW YORK, NY. —  “Another hundred people just got off of the train,” sang local musician Marta Myers in her daily ode to the hustle and bustle of New York City, blissfully unaware of the fact that these are amateur numbers compared to any number of countries that have functional high-speed rail systems.

“It’s inspiring to see the flowing life blood of the subway system,” claimed Myers, who’s never experienced the thrill of efficiently running trains with top speeds of 200mph. “I mean, you come to New York and you just feel like you’re the center of the universe! There’s a rush that you feel here that you just can’t find anywhere else,” she stated with the confidence of a woman who has never ridden the Shinkansen.

Bobby Walsh, local fuckboy and Marta’s current situationship, had a slightly more nuanced view of the transit situation in the United States.

“Yeah, the trains here are fine, I guess,” noted Walsh, who seemed keyed into the fact that a functioning high-speed rail system would allow him to string along women in a much wider geographic radius. “If anything, maybe I need some high-speed rail to run away from commitment. My friends hate that joke, but they know the score with me. Why shouldn’t I have the option to escape the city? I figure I’m gonna piss off every single woman in the city at some point—might as well have a comfortable getaway.”

Joanne Kaye, Manhattan local and woman about town, had her own take on high-speed rail discourse.

“Why the hell would I want to leave New York at any speed? I’ve never left the city once in my life, and I don’t think we really need to be borrowing anything from non-New Yorkers. Sure, the hill people in the middle of the country could probably use some fancy fast trains, but you will pry our beat down subway system from my cold dead hands,” said the woman who has exclusively taken cabs for the past three husbands. “Now, where the fuck is my vodka stinger?”

When The Broadway Beat reached out to Myers for additional commentary for the piece, we were informed that she would call us in the morning, as she doesn't have service underground.