by Jason Keane. @akeanemachine (Twitter). @jasondkeane (Instagram).
LONDON - Panic on the streets of London today as filmmaker Tom Hooper threatened the world with a director’s cut of his infamous movie, Cats.
“Oh you thought that was awful… just you wait!” screamed Hooper outside of Universal Studios to a crowd of panicked onlookers. “My film was the pestilence before the plague, and none of you heeded the warning. THIS WILL BE THE END OF ALL!”
Hooper went on to explain what’s in this version as he was forcibly escorted off the property. It’s a full two hours longer, with improved animation which Hooper did himself, using photoshop to edit the film frame by frame. Extended, NC-17 scenes, and updated, fully accurate cat anatomy. Hooper, laughing maniacally, described it as, “purrfect.”
Jodie Matthews, an intern who was forced to watch the film, shared her reaction.
“Nobody should take his threat lightly. The world cannot handle this film. Oh god, my eyes,” said Matthews while shaking in a corner. “Whenever I sleep I see them… the Cats… Their buttholes... They haunt me… I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!”
As Matthews ran away, a group of government agents exited a nearby armored car, grabbed the USB from Hooper and pulled him into the unmarked vehicle, while the USB was placed in a high tech container held by a person in a hazmat suit.
“It is in your best interest to leave this subject matter alone,” said one of the mysterious men. “Do not publish this article. This is your first and only warning. We know where you live.”
As I write this piece under an identity given to me by witness protection, Universal announced that they would, indeed, give Hooper’s unmitigated artistic vision an official release in the form of an old, dusty VHS tape with “CURSED” written on it in dried blood.