Oh Sure, Jeremy Jordan Lying in a Chair for Two Hours is Tony Worthy, But Whenever I Do That I’m “Clinically Depressed” and “Need to Get a Damn Job”

by Jonathan Hogue. @jthogue2.

Original Floyd Collins production photo by Joan Marcus.

NEW YORK, NY - Last Saturday, I attended a matinee performance of Floyd Collins on Broadway starring Newsies legend Jeremy Jordan. And sure, his acting was impressive. Of course, he sings like a god. Surprise – he even yodels. But you wanna know what else he did in that show?

He sat his ass down for two hours, and got a Tony nomination for it.

Now, I get it. He’s supposed to be stuck in that damn cave. That’s like, literally the point of the show. But somebody tell me why he can go full bed rot mode on a Broadway stage and be recognized with the greatest accolade known to the theatre world… yet when I do that, my mom signs me up for Better Health??

Further, I saw Dead Outlaw on Tuesday, where Andrew Durand plays a cowboy that dies halfway through. Yes, he quite literally plays a dead carcass on stage. Like full rigor mortis. And HE GOT A TONY NOM FOR THAT TOO.

Is that sort of performance really award-worthy? Because the last time I did that for two hours in the middle of a Tuesday, my Dad asked me point-blank if I ever planned to get married or have children.

I tried explaining this trend of comatose acting to my parents, and they simply reminded me that “I’m 35” and “need to get a damn job." Which I plan to do! Once I finish watching slime tutorials of all the former West End Elphabas while lying prostate on my couch.

I’ve clearly gotten my parents worked up here, so I’ve taken a different tack. Why not recognize the value of that “less is more” acting that Darren Criss gives when playing a robot? If he can be lauded for giving a non-aerobic performance, then why shouldn’t I? You’d think that would’ve worked, but now I’m being shuttled in a minivan to an interview at Yankee Candle.

Jeremy, Andrew, Darren, if you’re reading this: I hope you know that I think you’re incredible. Truly, you give hope to all of us who dream of the greatness that can be achieved with maximum passion and minimum exertion.

By the way, I’d have given you a standing ovation at your shows, but my legs fell asleep trying to recline in those theatre seats.