by Kendall Davis. @hahakendalldavis.
NEW YORK, NY – The most recent dramatic play to open on Broadway has been met with rave reviews. The show follows the life of an ordinary man who works tirelessly and thanklessly for 60 years, only to die as poor as he began - touted as one of the most scathing critiques of capitalism to ever be staged. The show runs through December and tickets start at $150.
“Tickets in the $150-$500 range will get you completely-obstructed seats in the broom closet at the back of the balcony," said one of the show’s producers, Karl Watson, as he used an usher as a human footstool. “And if you want orchestra seats, you have to prove that you make at least 40 times the cost of the ticket.”
John Engels, an employee of the Theatre for the People where the show is currently running, commented on the box office’s protocol for selling tickets.
“We were given strict orders not to sell any good seats to poors. We are under constant surveillance to ensure that we’re upholding the integrity of live theatre’s market economy,” Engels commented while looking over his shoulder. “I haven’t seen the show personally, because I work during all of the showtimes and am paid only in exposure.”
The breakout star of the show, Juan Guevara, shared how the show’s success has impacted his career.
“Oh I’m not actually an actor in the show. I just sweep up the stage at the end," noted Guevara as he continued to sweep, wearing overalls and a newsboy cap. “Yeah, since opening night every time I come out I get a standing ovation. It’s wild. Who would have thought that I’d go from being a criminally-underpaid custodian to being the criminally-underpaid star!”
Tickets to this breathtakingly raw critique of capitalism are selling quickly. Unfortunately, everyone who can financially afford to attend the show will completely miss the point and then take a $50 cab home without tipping.