by Catherine Weingarten. @sarahkaneissexy.
NEW YORK, NY - A New Play festival produced by “Tell Stories or Die” Theater Collective made headlines today when they not only required a hefty $100 submission fee, but also the downpayment on the Artistic Director’s brand new Honda Civic, desperate sources confirmed.
“We really value new writers and want to showcase their work,” said literary manager Peyton Hemmings while throwing darts at a photo of a Honda Accord murmuring “poser, you wish you were a Honda Civic.” “Writers are ready to tell their stories whether we want them to or not. We’re just glad we can give them this opportunity to present some exciting new plays, while providing a wonderful chance for Ted to fulfill his dream of having a baller Honda Civic.”
Genevieve Quinn Seahampton, a local playwright whose entire wardrobe is made exclusively from recycled playbills and past-due credit card statements, had a different opinion.
“As playwrights, we are constantly taken advantage of and exploited with high submission fees,” said Seahampton while staring sadly at a play poster for her recent show, Submission Fees Suk. “I was fine paying the $100 fee for the contest because my OnlyFans has been gaining ironic traction, but a downpayment on a man’s car? That's ridiculous! Like, I'm still going to do it, but I'm not happy about it."
Ted Bo Pedly, the Artistic Director who was wearing a Honda Civic-branded leather jacket, is especially excited about this new submission policy.
“Playwright nowadays have it so easy. They can just submit plays for free and then their play can win things,” noted Ted while checking bank statements to see which play submissions have cleared. “They should be so lucky to see their work showcased on our stages, it’s definitely worth the money and also I think I’ll look very cool driving my new Honda Civic to the theater.”
When asked what kind of plays he was looking for, Mr. Pedly could not be found because he was at the Honda dealership in Newburgh, New York looking at a sign that read,” Act now for no interest payments on any Honda Civic from now until the re-opening of festivals that are actually worth submitting to.”
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