by Caitlin Berg. @caitlinberg (Instagram), @caitlinhberg (Twitter).
NEW YORK, NY - Telecharge announced today, shortly after raising their fees to a quarter of whatever the customer’s rent is, that they plan to make their website even worse.
“We’re sick of innovation. All we hear about is new technology, updated websites, and the metaverse. We don’t want any part of that,” announced Telecharge President and former Neo-Luddite village leader James Clinton, via scribbled note on a used napkin. “We were inspired by Marianne Elliott’s gender-bent Company revival to do the opposite of what is typical. Enough progress. It’s a waste of money.”
Former Telecharge website designer Gary Scott, who had actually never learned to code and instead pressed buttons in hopes that something might work, was confused about Clinton’s statement.
“We didn’t have a tech team. It was just me. I created this website on my own when we were founded and haven’t updated it since," said Scott, via pager. "All I do is fix it when it crashes, which is about eight or nine times a day. It’s a pretty good life."
Willa Neuner, VP of Ticket Sales for Telecharge who was recently fired for owning a cell phone, promised the website could, somehow, become worse.
“I heard they’ve decided to remove the seat map feature, make the background blue even brighter, and eliminate e-tickets,” When asked if she thinks this may negatively impact ticket sales and profit, Neuner laughed.
“I don’t care about ticket sales. I joined Telecharge to make theater kids’ lives harder after not getting into Michigan for my BFA. Before I left, I pitched making people buy tickets through morse code. Hopefully they keep that.”
When checking the Telecharge website to see if Clinton’s updates had taken effect, the website had a sole message on the homepage, reading “go fuck yourselves.”