by Annie Sudler. IG: @soap._suds, Twitter: @the_soap_suds.
MARIETTA, GA. - Reports from concerned family of high schooler Noah Keller have flooded in after the teen spent a full forty-eight hours searching Reddit for what he describes as “lost media”. His loved ones expressed worry that his body will “reject sunlight permanently” following his self-isolation.
“It was an illegal, unlicensed production of Cabaret done in a Siberian middle school in 2003,” said Keller of the production, while refreshing twelve separate tabs of the r/musicalbootlegs subreddit. “‘Tomorrow Belongs to Me’ was replaced with that one song from the surfing montage scene from Lilo and Stitch, and at one point, the kid playing the Emcee apparently punched an audience member in the jaw. It’s high art, trust me on this. I won’t stop until I find it.”
Noah Keller’s mother, Cynthia Keller, worries about her son’s fixation.
“I always knew Noah would be in the theatre,” said Mrs. Keller, trying to keep her “Reddit For Dummies” book out of sight despite it having pages of note tabs in it. “I just worry that this is too much. This gosh-dang musical has placed a thorn in my son’s side. He hasn’t gone to church with us in weeks. I don’t think he’s opened the Good Book once this month. He keeps insisting in a weird Russian-German accent that his life is a cabaret. Is he possessed? I think my son has a demon.”
Father Tony Wilkins of St. Cecilia’s Basilica, Keller’s pastor, admits to finding the obsession disturbing.
“I mean, I’m glad he has an outlet for his creativity,” said Father Wilkins, bookmarking another page in a Kander and Ebb biography. “But I’m not sure he understands the function of a confessional. He had me stuck in that little box for two hours as he rambled on and on about… I’m not even really sure, to be honest. Something about slime tutorials or sub-ribbits and how this kid named Yalyane Fadzya Rybakova is the perfect Sally Bowles. I don’t know who either of those people are.”
At press time, Ms. Rybakova could not be reached for comment, nor could proof of her existence be confirmed. If any information regarding her or the supposed footage is found, please contact u/NoahBody’sGonnaRainOnMyParade via Reddit DMs.