by Louie Aronowitz. @louiearonowitz.
LOS ANGELES - Brilliant, prolific songwriter Alan Menken fell short of expectations after penning a song that would only serve to bring a single demographic to tears upon every listen for the rest of their lives, despite usually having that effect on all audiences.
“I listened to one of his songs recently and was bawling by the first chorus, but my little brother was completely unaffected, as if it didn’t combine nostalgia with the rush of longing for youth,” stated Disney-adult Mark Braden. “Does this kid not have emotions? Or was this particular Menken track just not crushing as hard as his others? I couldn’t tell because I was busy spiraling into a memory of childhood.”
Disney CEO Bob Chapek expressed disappointment at the revelation of Menken’s new song’s lack of reach.
“Even I tear up a little at the sound of legendary Menken tracks,” Chapek began, a single tear dripping down his cheek. “But this new one just didn’t get me. It seems only one demographic is making this song their entire personality, which is extremely disappointing, since most of his songs make the entire family long for the days when ‘things were better’.”
Menken himself noticed the difference, but attempted to explain that he was simply trying something new.
“I just thought maybe I’d switch it up a little and instead of creating a magical soundscape for people to disappear into, I’d just make a fun and catchy song for the movie,” he added while shifting one of his several Academy Awards that had gotten nudged a hundredth of a degree off it’s usual axis, disrupting the chi of his award room. “I get it, you want a song that fills you with a complex collision of the entire range of human emotions. Hopeful yet regretful, inspired yet defeated, happy and sad; a song to define your childhood. Fine, I’ll be better.”
When reached for comment, the original singing voice for Aladdin, Brad Kane stated, “He set the bar really high, all I have to do is sing ‘I’ at a Gb and literally everyone on the planet melts into the fetal position. Not repeating that every time he writes a song is just sad.”