by Anjali Ramakrishnan. @krishnetwork.
WEST HIGH SCHOOL, CALIFORNIA - David Jamit, junior at West High School and former quarterback of the football team, allegedly broke his right hand during his most recent game, giving him "no choice" but to audition for the spring musical.
“I HATE singing and know NOTHING about musicals, but what choice do I have?” he lamented as he used his suspiciously intact right hand to hide his copy of Songs For A New World. "I practiced football, I practically perfected it. But now I need an extracurricular or I won’t get into any BFA - as in…Bachelors of…Football - yeah, FOOTBALL - programs.”
Ms. Bardus, West High School's Theatre Director, has been hard at work preparing for upcoming auditions, voicing her pleasure that more students are interested in the performing arts.
“You know, I think the notions of masculinity that we as a society tend to uphold really make people think they have to stick to the status quo - and while I would not wish a fake injury on anyone as someone who is trained in stage combat, I hope this takes him in a new direction,” Ms. Bardus said as she engaged in her favorite audition season ritual of studying film from Glee to inform her teaching practice.
“Our program really needs diverse perspectives, and I can’t think of a better way to embrace that than by finding a straight man to favor over everyone else. It’s about time we have more STDs making their way around the student theater scene. You know, STDs as in Straight Theater Dudes.”
His football coach was less supportive of the move, noting that Jamit’s weakness as a quarterback came from his lack of concentration, something that will be especially needed in doing the school musical.
“In football, it’s just you and the boys, so there are NO distractions,” his coach explained while on a football field filled with several female cheerleaders and screaming girls in the stands. “And even in THAT setting the guy can’t focus. The girls are going to eat his straight ass alive. He is much safer off bashing his head into other men.”
At press time, Jamit scoffed when asked during his voice lesson with Liz Caplan if he would go back to football senior year.
“Obviously. I won’t be caught dead singing any more than I have to. What a shame it would be if my performance was SO good that I got cast in the Dear Evan Hansen tour and had to take it to make money for college…haha…by the way, do you think that I could pass for a Platt brother?”