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  • Writer's pictureBroadway Beat

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? Experts Suggest Rat Poison

by Kendall Davis. @hahakendalldavis.

NEW YORK, NY – The NYC Animal Control Center’s director of pest relations, Anna Woofens, has reported a dramatic spike in the number of calls received from residents in the past few weeks. The majority of recent calls have been complaints about the newest animal nuisance to infest the city - insubordinate nuns, nicknamed “Marias.”

“These free-spirited, habit-clad pests have been feeding on food scraps found in residential trash bins and whistling in the stairwells of apartment buildings,” Woofens explained as she removed a pile of seeds from her cheek. “They have even been seen driving hornets from their nests in Central Park.”

Dr. Ernie Lawrence, a zoologist from Columbia University, provided information on the defining physical features of Marias and what their residence in New York could mean for the future.

“These unruly nuns can be identified by their characteristic blonde pixie cuts and four-octave soprano voices,” stated Dr. Lawrence as he meditatively stroked the bearded dragon on his lap. “Although they can be an annoyance, the Marias’ presence in New York’s ecosystem is seen, biologically speaking, as a net positive because of their passionate hatred of Nazis.”

NYC Mayor Eric Adams, who has bravely led the fight against rats in the city, is refocusing his attention to the current Maria outbreak.

“The best thing we as New Yorkers can do to stop the spread of these vermin is to lay out as much rat poison as possible,” noted Mayor Adams as he cleaned his police-issued gun. “The biggest threat to our city, besides e-bike batteries and the separation of church and state, is these wayward nuns getting in my way on the dance floor every night at the club.”

At press time, Anna Woofens left us with one final piece of advice before she scurried back to the Animal Control offices.

“Whatever you do, don’t let these flibbertigibbets into your home. They will steal your family and turn the kids into a weird Osmonds-type singing group.”


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