"Shakespeare Is In My Blood," says Fan of the Bard with Pretty Weird Medical Condition
by Divyansh Kulshrestha. @Gr8Divyansh.
BOSTON – Unsuccessfully trying to convince doctors that the Bard really flows through his bloodstream, local man Brad Teagues was seen being rushed into the Mass General Hospital while claiming that there was nothing wrong with his nosebleed.
“To bleed or not to bleed,” said Brad, coughing out pages of Hamlet. “That is not the question because I think that there’s no need for me to be in the ER."
Having suffered from the problem before, Teagues had cured himself by taking a dose of one monologue each from Henry IV, V and VI daily for three days. But that didn’t seem to work anymore. Doctors at the hospital were profoundly confused by this medical mystery. Reading the preliminary report of his blood test, physician Mary Weston was highly alarmed by what she was seeing.
“His insulin level and platelet count is perfectly healthy but his blood contains a dangerously high level of five act tragedies,” said Mary as she marveled at the penetrating insights and incandescent passion possessed by the Shakespeare’s words in Brad’s plasma. “His immune system doesn’t have proper white blood cells. Instead, it fights off all germ cells and viruses with the mellifluous content of the Bard’s 154 sonnets.”
Pulmonologist Jay Reiss concluded after a full body scan that the condition had affected his lungs, too.
“The peculiar thing about his respiratory system is that whenever he exhales, his alveoli collectively begin shouting ‘Oh Oxygen, wherefore art thou?’ until the bronchioles provide them with a fresh supply,” said Jay while his team tried to make sense of the other Shakespearean words that were found to have been stuck in Brad’s nasal tract.
At press time, the doctors told reporters that they were about to begin an extremely complicated and long procedure to cure Brad that would involve passing the works of Oscar Wilde, Anton Chekhov and Sophocles into his bloodstream to cause a mass destruction of all literary works in his body.