by Devin Wallace. @thedevinwallace.
NEW YORK, NY - Aspiring actor Logan Burkoff recently declared himself a character actor, despite the public knowledge that he was bad at both portraying characters and acting in general, sources confirmed.
“I don’t want to be a pretty face,” said Burkoff, who along with lacking interesting physical attributes also lacked any ability to convey emotion through staged performance. “I want the weird meaty roles. At a certain point, I just made the decision that I shouldn’t be cast in lead roles. Luckily, everyone I auditioned for agreed.”
Elise Breen, a student in Burkoff’s acting class, noted that Burkoff’s problem stems with “the lines, and the scenes, and the characters he’s trying to play”, among other issues.
“He keeps saying he’s gritty,” said Breen, who previously rejected Burkoff’s offer to do a scene in class from Reservoir Dogs. “I don’t know what that means. He’s dirty, I guess. He tries to do a Danny Trejo impression - horribly offensive of course - but almost more so because it doesn’t sound anything like him. He just does Oscar the Grouch.
Toby Crenshaw, Burkoff’s roommate, expressed frustration at Burkoff’s performances in their apartment. “He started acting like his favorite character actors,” said Crenshaw. “He was doing a Michael Shannon impression for weeks. At least it was better than his Danny Trejo.”
“I don’t think he knows what a character actor is, said Crenshaw while moving several copies of Burkoff’s poster of J.K. Simmons from Whiplash. “Logan walks around the apartment saying William Fichtner. Nothing else. William Fichtner, William Fichtner, William Fichtner. God dammit, William Fichtner what!? I’m sorry, I just… and what the hell is an Abe Vigoda?”
At press time, Burkoff noted the difficult road he faced.
“In class, no one wants to do scenes with me. I get it. It’s intimidating that I can do so much with such a small character. Sometimes our instructor doesn’t give me any lines. Says I should just be quiet. That’s the best compliment a character actor like me can get.”
Burkoff was last seen asking a dwindling group of classmates, “funny how? Funny like a clown?”