by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
NEW YORK, NY - Local theatre fan Chris Lill relayed his regret today after wishing on a monkey’s paw for a “real smash” musical that will “smash the box office” and hopefully bring Broadway back to its feet once it's safe to resume productions - resulting in the announcement of a stage adaptation of the short-lived NBC musical drama Smash, the local man confirmed.
“In retrospect, I shouldn’t have used the word ‘smash’ so many times during the wish,” noted Lill. “I guess I sort of gave those trickster spirits the idea. I want Broadway back more than anything… but damn if I wasn't tempted by the lustful hairs of the paw. Whatever, maybe we’ll at least get to see Megan Hilty on stage again,” he added, not knowing that the demons who granted his wish are already planning a Snapchat series following the nationwide search for an unknown actor to take on the role.
It was announced that, with the help of Stephen Spielberg, the series, which ran for two seasons from 2012-2013 and followed the multiple parties involved in bringing a bio-musical of Marilyn Monroe to life, would be smashing into the Great White Way in the coming years. The Broadway Beat caught up with Mr. Spielberg for his take on the production.
“You know, I had no plans to work on a Smash musical, but the other night I woke up at 3:33am in a cold sweat, panting, crying a little, and muttering ‘Smash musical do a Smash musical’ over and over,” noted the legendary director. “I looked in the mirror and saw all of my ancestors staring back at me, each muttering ‘Smash musical’. My dog barked to be let outside, but it didn’t sound like a bark - his mouth moved like a bark, but the sound was clearly Christian Borle whispering ‘Smash musical’. So, I took those as signs that someone - or something - wants me to make a Smash musical."
The shifty spirits who granted Lill’s wish were forthcoming in their motivations.
“We were all trying hard to figure out how to fuck with this dude,” claimed one of the demons whilst sipping virgin tears from her chalice. “As soon as he said ‘smash’, we all looked at each other and were like ‘oh man, can we?!’. We thought it might be a little too sick and twisted, but hey, that’s what he gets for wishing on a monkey’s paw. Enjoy the Tony performance… it’s gonna be ‘The Right Regrets’, slowed down.”
At press time, Lill was seen attempting to undo his wish with even more wishes. However, this just resulted in the announcement of five Escape to Margaritaville revivals and a curse that requires him to re-audition for the role of his parents son.