by Timothy Janovsky. @timothyjanovsky.
OLD BRIDGE, NJ - Old Bridge Township Board of Education spokesperson, Melissa Carlton, announced today that all local schools are being relocated to Zoom full time, while all school bullying of the theatre geeks is being relocated to a place built for airing your inappropriate grievances online: the BroadwayWorld Message Board.
“Since Zoom classrooms leave little space for students to be alone without adult supervision, we have encouraged our mean girls and dudebros alike to express their misplaced pubescent anger towards musical nerds in a contained online forum,” claimed Carlton, who’s “Defund the Arts” pin was prominently displayed on her lapel. “We believe old-fashioned bullying is an integral part of the educational experience. Without it, what would the drama club even write silly little skits about?”
Mindy Harrington, a sophomore soprano best known for her role as Featured Hostess at the Fandango in Sweet Charity, was devastated by Carlton’s plan.
“It was one thing when head cheerleader, Clarissa Williams, started wearing pink on Wednesdays and put me in her fake Burn Book,” noted Harrington, who’s upset Williams isn’t even aware that the Mean Girls movie was made into a musical that’s going to be made into another movie. “Now, she’s YouCantSitWithUs6969 and she keeps posting that when I sing it sounds like a garbage disposal!”
Colin Underwood, the high school’s leading tenor and resident ladies’ man, also expressed extreme upset over Carlton’s statement.
“I thought moving to online school meant the baseball boys would stop writing about me on the tile above the urinals,” stated Underwood, who was shadowing the team last spring in preparation for the fall production of Damn Yankees. “New team captain, Tucker Brahams, is now online as UnderwoodsXSJockstrap and is posting that the only reason I can hit high notes is because my balls haven’t dropped... I swear, they have. The whole ensemble of Sweet Charity can confirm!”
At press time, Carlton claimed that this push had nothing at all to do with that fact that she was passed over, twenty years ago, for the role of Belle in her senior year production of Beauty and the Beast.