Quiznos Sponsors “King Kong” Puppet In Final Effort to Save Musical
by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
New York, NY - Producers of the soon-to-close Broadway musical “King Kong” announced today that sandwich chain Quiznos would be stepping in to sponsor the show in a last ditch effort to keep doors open, sources have confirmed.
“I think it’s the perfect time for our show to embrace brand synergy,” notes producer Carla Peller. “Whether it’s the puppet brandishing the Quizno’s logo, or the characters noting how they can’t wait to get back to New York and try the new ‘toasted turkey double stack’, I think that Quiznos' support for the arts is going to keep this show open for a long time. If anything, just due to sheer curiosity.”
The show’s cast also expressed their delight in the sub chain’s financial backing.
“Not only do they give us free sandwiches during intermission, but the theater smells like toasted bread now,” notes actress Christiani Pitts, who leads the show as the monster’s infamous muse, Ann Darrow. “At first I was skeptical of the idea to have Kong climb a 12-inch roast beef and provolone sub on wheat instead of the Empire State Building, but hey, art is about collaboration and the, uh, new meatball marinara combo, available for a limited time,” she noted, attempting to hide a small stack of index cards.
Still, some patrons were less than happy by some of the show’s creative changes.
“I don’t like how they made all the characters talk about how tomatoes were bad,” notes tourist Eric Fairman, in town from Portland, Oregon. “Every other line was ‘tomatoes are the worst’ and ‘I would never order tomatoes on a sandwich, no thank you’. Did Quiznos not order enough tomatoes? Are they trying to get people not to order tomatoes? Other than that, the theater smelled like toasted bread, which was nice.”
At press time, the show’s puppetry masters were attempting to figure out how to get the puppet to ingest a large bag of Cool Ranch Doritos without damaging the fabric, while the songwriting team attempted to turn the Act II number “Scream for the Money” into a branded song titled “Delicious Sandwiches for a Great Value”.