by Annie Sudler. IG: @soap._suds. Twitter: @the_soap_suds.
GAINESVILLE, Fl. - Florida resident and self-described ex-theatre kid Miles Tucker “fears for his safety” following realization that his friends in the local punk scene are actually fans of punk rock and not just Tony Award-winning musical American Idiot.
“I mean, I just figured they were playing a cover album,” stated Tucker while frantically googling for trivia about Billie Joe Armstrong. “But then I started singing the second tenor harmonies in ‘Jesus Of Suburbia’ and they looked at me like I was crazy. Apparently those ‘aren’t in the other version’ or something.”
High school junior Logan Fleming, who was one of the few Tucker named as a “friend from the local punk scene”, confirmed his confusion about the situation, while simultaneously denying his friendship with Tucker.
“Yeah, he’s a weird guy,” said Fleming, barely looking up from the Ultimate Guitar homepage on his phone. “Keeps insisting that he’s a ‘true punk’, but his girlfriend told me he wrote his thesis on the topic of masculinity and femininity in Tennessee Williams plays. Plus, he’s like, thirty. I honestly have no idea why he thinks he’s a part of the local scene. We’re not a scene. We’re a high school Green Day cover band.”
When asked, Tucker’s long-term girlfriend, Bridget Moss, expressed frustration towards her partner’s anxiety.
“He just acts like it’s such a big deal, like he’s living a double life or something,” stated Moss while researching a cure for tinnitus. “It’s all he listens to at this point. If his friends haven’t realized he’s never listened to an actual Green Day song by now, I don’t think they ever will.”
Tucker also claimed to have experienced a similar situation less than two years prior, vaguely mumbling something about “those old posers who had never even seen Jersey Boys”. He was unable to elaborate on this as he was preoccupied with photoshopping John Gallagher Jr. out of the Top Artist spot of his Spotify Wrapped.