by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
UNKNOWN LOCATION - Over a dozen prominent producers have reportedly been airlifted to a secure location and locked in a room - each armed with a single knife - to fight to the death, with the last person standing being given the rights to compose a jukebox musical centered around Olivia Rodrigo’s debut album SOUR, sources confirmed.
“It’s one thing to be prepared physically, but being prepared mentally is a whole different game,” noted Daryl Roth, who refused to make eye contact with us because she didn’t want to see anyone as “human”. “Some might say this is overdoing it, and those people can go ahead and not write a sweeping coming-of-age musical centered that infuses pop and rock in fresh yet nostalgic ways. They can also survive.”
The rules are simple: participants have an unlimited amount of time in the room, and while alliances are permitted, only one can ultimately leave the room with the much-coveted right to have Ashley Park sing “good 4 u”.
Composers have also been deemed eligible to compete for the chance to handle the song arrangements, with the “one winner” rule bringing turmoil to some notable duos.
“Justin’s an incredible collaborator, a warm friend, and an inspiring artist, but if needed, I will end him,” noted Benj Pasek, sharpening the regulation knife with his teeth. “I really hesitated to even come here, to participate in something that really feels like it should be handled by legal teams, but then I thought about what ‘brutal’ would be like as an opening number and I... I just… ok come on, let’s get this thing started.”
Still, some participants were less excited for the literal opening bell to toll.
“I liked ‘driver’s license’, but aren’t we moving a little fast?” questioned Ken Davenport, who admitted he was pretty impressed that Rodrigo didn’t have a ton of songwriters working on the album. “We should probably wait and see what the next music video is like, or at least the inevitable Netflix doc. I just think that-,” he added, before being blindsided by a ravenous Barbara Whitman, who was disqualified for attacking before the bell.
At press time, oh god. Oh my god. Oh it’s a nightmare.