by Sarah Lasko. @saraheleora.
NEW YORK, NY. - An eye-opening report from within the Broadway theatre district today reveals that exorbitant seat prices are masking a shocking truth: these seats are really fucking uncomfortable.
“It looked really appealing at first. So red,” says Randal Petersen, who later required two separate knee replacement surgeries after enjoying three Broadway productions in a single weekend. “That’s how they get you. Once the lights go down, and you’re stuck… that’s when the numbness sets in.”
One Broadway theater owner spoke to us on the condition of anonymity, which is good because no one here knows how to pronounce Jujamcyn anyway.
“Look, it all started as a dare. Shubert was like ‘wouldn’t it be funny if we made these seats so fucking terrible to sit in and then raised the prices, just to see if people would actually go for it?’,” admitted the landlord, who actually doesn’t really get musicals. “We’d been drinking that night, joking around. I’ll admit it’s gotten a little out of hand, but why stop now?”
Some Broadway attendees actually prefer the challenge, like Denise Bell, a Wicked enthusiast and frequent visitor of the West 42nd CityMD Urgent Care.
“The more it hurts, the more I feel alive,” confessed Bell, who put her grad school loans on hold this past year after a seven-day bender at the Lincoln Center TKTS. “I just think: if I can withstand the next two hours and 40 minutes of excruciation plus intermission, I can make it through anything.”
At press time, audience members also reported noticing a sneaky $15 increase on single souvenir cups of Sutter Home pinot grigio and merlot, but will ultimately take anything to ease the pain.