Playbill Jobs Introduces New Feature That Spits In Your Face, Tells You to Learn a New Skill
by Max Robinson.
NEW YORK, NY - Playbill Jobs announced last week that they are rolling out a new website feature that will spit in your face and tell you to learn a new skill. They hope that this groundbreaking addition will alleviate the sudden demand for theater jobs, and save future industry professionals from a life of working in the arts.
“It’s all part of our ‘reel to real’ initiative,” said Richard Atlers, Playbill’s senior salivary engineer. “Look, we get it, someone told you it was a good idea to get a degree in medieval fight choreography. But now it’s time to move forward with your life and find a real job. Our spit can help with that.”
Timothy Baker, a beta tester for the program, was highly satisfied with the results.
“It was the difference between night and day. I spent nine months on Playbill Jobs, Art Search, even my local PA Facebook group, and the only thing I had to show for it was one gig as a boom mic warmer,” they explained during a Skype interview from their new pod in Seattle - birthplace of Amazon, Starbucks, and giving up on your dreams. “But now I’m making six figures doing back end development while my BFA gathers dust,” they elaborated before taking a long sip of Soylent and resting the bottle on an old headshot.
Early reports indicate that not everyone was thrilled with this new trend.
“I gotta be honest with you, it’s made my life a living hell,” noted one anonymous hedge-fund executive and father of a Tisch alumnus. “Monday is always busy when the markets first open, and now I gotta deal with half the fuckin’ office not even showing up. What does ‘Mondays are dark’ even mean?”
If you want to check out the feature for yourself, you can find it seamlessly embedded into the Playbill Jobs search bar, nestled between the ‘Location’ and the ‘Unpaid/Underpaid’ filter. A new dropdown has been added to he menu labeled ‘advice’, with three possible options: ‘none’, ‘tough’, and ‘hock that loogie right at me’. Our staff was impressed by the synergistic phlegm integration, but what really blew us away was when the 2D sprite of our own mothers informing us that our theater majors were a “$200,000 mistake”.
When asked for an interview, everyone we had sent our resumes to declined.