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"Phantom" Team Debates Casting Woman as Phantom But Realize Only Straight Man Would Pull That Shit

by Caitlin Berg. @caitlinhberg (Twitter), @caitlinberg (Instagram).

NEW YORK, NY – Leading Phantom Of The Opera producers reportedly debated casting a woman in the title role before ultimately scrapping the idea prior to the show’s October 2021 reopening, after realizing no woman would ever pull the shit the Phantom does.


“After Andrew left the Conservative party, he decided to try feminism, although I don’t think he quite understood the point,” said Andrew Lloyd Webber's personal assistant, Megan Tucker, while delivering seven different Margaret Thatcher biographies to Lord Webber. “Casting a woman as the Phantom can’t even be considered virtue-signaling. It just doesn’t make sense. No woman would ever haunt a building for decades, kidnap a teenager, and force them to be their muse. They’d stalk their social media until they find out their social security number, but that’s it.”


Current Christine Daae, Margot Campbell, who has spent the past six weeks trying to explain what an “incel” is to Lloyd Webber, echoed Tucker’s sentiment.


“I would love for Christine to explore her sexuality, but it would have to be with a woman playing Raoul. You need to be able to ground Phantom in reality - and that is easiest by recognizing the behavior of the worst man you’ve ever met in The Phantom,” said Campbell, whose college thesis was entitled “Men with Lairs: Commonalities between The Phantom and Ted Bundy.” “The Phantom’s victim complex is so strong that if he were real, he’d be on a watchlist.”


Not all of the Phantom team is relieved about the decision to cast another man as the infamous ghost. Executive Producer Justin Goldberg has refused to speak to any women on the production’s staff since the idea was shot down.

“I’m protesting. This is absurd. The women I work with should be excited that I want to have another woman on stage,” said Goldberg, via a statement on his Parler and 4chan pages. “The Phantom is a misunderstood man, hated by every woman he’s ever met. What is so masculine about hating a woman because she doesn’t love you back?”


Tucker and Campbell both agreed that Goldberg’s statement should provide an example of why only a man could ever play The Phantom.


When asked if he was disappointed about the casting choice, Lloyd Webber laughed, exclaiming that his time as a feminist was far from over, and he is now focused on composing his newest work: A musical biography of Kyrsten Sinema’s life.