Ah Shit: THE OUTSIDERS Combined to Form One Big OUTSIDER and Now It Can't Fit Through the Door

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.

NEW YORK, NY - Ah shit, this is bad. The Outsiders from the acclaimed new Broadway musical The Outsiders have reportedly all combined to form one big Outsider, but now this Mega-Outsider can’t fit through the door.

“It seemed cool in theory,” noted cast member and Tony nominee Brody Grant, who portrays Ponyboy Curtis in the show and the middle spine of this monstrosity. “The door is one thing, but it’s really hard to take a step. One guy is in charge of the knee bend, but then another guy has to steer the foot landing. And while they’re doing this, everyone else is just trying not to fall. We also don’t know how to disassemble.”

The cast reportedly combined because they built a Lego® Tulsa and wanted to see what it would look like if they stomped around on it. They’re quickly learning, though, that sometimes great expectations don’t pan out.

“Yeah, this is getting - ow, fuck - this is getting really bad,” noted a cast member we honestly couldn’t decipher among this amalgamation of greaser bones. “We do have to get through the door, though. We have a show tonight. Stop asking how we’re gonna perform when we’re a glob of Outsider, let’s just focus on the door for now. One thing at a time.”

Audience members were reportedly befuddled by the Multi-Boy Merger.

“I wanted to see a timeless classic brought to life with arresting choreography and an irresistible folk-pop soundtrack. What we got instead was six guys stomping each others toes while Cherry Valance pretended to be in love with it? Maybe she felt bad for it. It’s not supposed to be alive, yet it is,” mused audience member Elisha Pullet, seen at a local hunting store asking if they carry Tenor repellent, should she encounter it again.

“I guess, in a way, that’s the moral of the story. We’re all Outsiders in our own way, and through that isolation, we find community. That said - if I saw this thing on the street I would hit it with my car.”

At press time, the beast finally disbanded when it bent over during curtain call, releasing these young men from the tarantula’s web they’ve created. They were then seen attempting to combine again, because the Lego® set was still put together backstage and maybe it would be different this time. 

They were last seen - guh, fuck - trying to get through the door again.