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Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ Died For Our Sins, And He Still Can't Get Tickets To "Hamilton"

by Edward Precht. @PertoltPrecht.

TIMES SQUARE, NY – It seems Jesus Christ is going to have to ‘wait for it.’ The Messiah, the Son of God, who was famously crucified on the cross for our transgressions, revealed he still hasn’t gotten a chance to see the hit musical Hamilton despite, quote, “being the savior of all souls from an eternal damnation.”


Mr. Christ, who sat down with us earlier at the Westway Diner, said Lin-Manuel Miranda’s popular musical – about the rise and fall of one of America’s founding fathers – has been a favorite of His since it first premiered at the Richard Rodgers Theater. His almost religious love of the show is well-known: He is most notably shown dancing along to the soundtrack in Da Vinci’s The Last Supper, and He had His Father create the Ten Commandments as an homage to the song ‘Ten Duel Commandments.’


“Those lyrics, that melody – it’s enough to raise a guy from the dead,” the Lamb of God quipped, then quickly followed it up by clearing His throat, laughing nervously, and saying, “No, just kidding. It’s because I’m...it’s... I’m Jesus Christ.”


Despite this, He still hasn’t been able to see the show. “I guess I’m just unlucky,” He shrugged, pouring water into his wine glass, “And I don’t want to pull the whole ‘I was crucified to absolve the human race from sin’ card, you know, I don’t want to be that asshole, but it’s getting intense. It’s crazy. I, like, I saw on Instagram that Judas got tickets last week and I was like, ‘Well how did, you know, how did this guy get seats?’”


When asked why He doesn’t simply divine a ticket for Himself, He laughed. “I can perform miracles, sure, but this? This is beyond Me.”


“I mean, I can get a house seat if I want. Easily. I know people in the business - you know, the Industry. But,” He said, scratching at the hole in His hand, “I don’t know. Two hundred dollars? That’s a bit much.”


No one in involved with Hamilton has reached out for comment, though Mr. Iscariot did let us know that he purchased his ticket with thirty pieces of silver.


In the meantime, the Messiah’s keeping His hopes up for cheap seats. “I’m entering the lottery every day. Answering those quiz questions, if that does anything. And I keep refreshing TDF, just in case. But if I don’t get something soon…” He trailed off, absently picking at a pebble lodged in His Birkenstocks, and mumbled something about a real waste of a resurrection.