• Broadway Beat

OPINION: The New Vaccines Are Great, But Have You Tried Rolling Up One Vertebrae at a Time?

by Jacob Simon. @jacob.simon.says.

Pfizer, Moderna, Johnson & Johnson. With the end of the pandemic in sight, many families have flocked to their local pharmacies and been injected with one of these promising formulas.


But while thousands of newly inoculated Americans are tearfully reuniting with friends and family members, I am busy getting reacquainted with another old friend: my spine.


That’s right - at this very moment, I am dictating this article through my voice memos while I slowly peel my body up from a squatting position. I have been doing this since March 14th, 2020.


I started with my coccyx, moving on to my sacral vertebrae for Hot Sacrum Summer. As the leaves turned orange and red, I opened up an intimate dialogue with my lumbar spine, which lasted through Biden’s inauguration in January, 2021. My goal is to finish the Thoracic region by Mother’s Day so I can begin a spring fling with my cervical processes. My method of COVID prevent might anger Fauci, but it would make Laban proud.


I am aware that this method of avoiding disease is not without its critics, but such is the case with any freethinking, radical movement.


Many who have tried my holistic approach to immunity claim that they have still contracted COVID-19, even after meticulously stacking one vertebrae on top of the either. To those people, I pose a few questions:


Were your knees locked? Did you adjust your clothes once you were standing upright? Did you forget to imagine a benevolent ball of yellow light in your heart chakra?


If you answered yes to any of these questions, and I suspect you did, then you have your answer right there. If the answer was no to all three, a robust regimen of diction warm ups should do the trick.


So you can keep your vaccine, Dolly Parton, and enjoy your triumphant return to everyday society. And while you do that, I’ll be here, taking life one vertebrae at a time.