Finally: “Oh, Hello!” Impressions Deemed an Official Language by International Phonetic Association
by Grant Cleaveland. @cleaveland_g.
NEW YORK, NY - Jean Gruberman, President of the International Phonetic Association, announced Friday that Oh, Hello! impressions are now officially a language of study, and are therefore to be treated with the same respect as English, French, and German.
“It’s the right choice to make, logically,” Gruberman explained while hugging a body pillow shaped like a schwa. “Impressions of George St. Geegland and Gil Faizon are a common form of communication in contemporary Western culture. Our research has found that the Oh, Hello! cadence is more frequently spoken than Romanian and Luxembourgish combined. By a lot.”
Not everyone is pleased with this news - notably Luther Klein, the first person to ever attempt an Oh, Hello! impression.
“It’s not fair that everyone knows how to do the silly voice I like to do,” Klein grumbled while insecurely pulling down his tee shirt. “It used to be I could talk like Gil Faizon and everyone would think I was hilarious and original. I’ve been doing that voice since The Kroll Show and all these sheeple have just been bandwagoning since Oh, Hello! came to Netflix on June 13th, 2017. Worst day of my fucking life.”
Steve Graves, associate professor of voice at Hamtown University, is spearheading new research on how classic theatrical works can be reinvented with an Oh, Hello! infusion.
“Our first instinct was Rosengeorge & Gildenstern Are Dead,” Graves lectured us while spit shining his masters degree. “We thought the absurdist tragicomedy could be contextualized for the streaming generation through the lens of the Upper West Side’s most legendary bachelors. Unfortunately, Tom Stoppard’s lawyers sent us a cease and desist, so instead we’re doing The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee but every word has to be spelled with the Oh, Hello! cadence.”
Netflix announced Oh, Hello! impressions will be the default language setting starting in February 2022 and can be turned off for an extra $9.99/ month.