• Broadway Beat

Historians Discover Note From Actor to Shakespeare Asking Him to Please Just Write Normal

by Louie Aronowitz. @louiearonowitz.

STRATFORD-UPON-AVON, Eng - Historians studying Shakespearean theater recently uncovered evidence that several actors requested the master scribe just write what they called ‘normal human sentences’ for a change.


“‘But soft, what light through yonder window breaks’ is supposed to mean Juliet is beautiful, so like, why can’t you just write that?!” a newly uncovered letter from an actor stated, with that note being the first of nearly 6,000 pages worth of further complaints. “Maybe if you wrote like people talk, we could act like real people and not whatever this insane hammy over-emoting thing is!”


The archeologist that discovered the letter, Dana Sadler, has published just a fraction of the materials found, as some were deemed inappropriate.


“The actors must’ve been super annoyed because some of these are just a string of old timey expletives,” Sadler began, highlighting one particular letter that was just one word scrawled diagonally across the page: "Fockynggroue". “Ironically, in order to publish most of these, we would have to write out the Shakespearean version of the phrases.”


Though there was debate over the necessity of the convoluted language, most agreed there were situations where it worked.


“Obviously if you want to try and follow the story or if you’re the performer it’s miserable, because the sentences make no sense,” stated Shakespeare fan Carl Pinder while gently stroking the skull he always carries on his person. “But on the other hand, there’s that Leonardo DiCaprio/Claire Danes movie where it works, because that movie RULES.”


Historians later discovered a journal entry from Shakespeare himself addressing the linguistic concerns that simply read, “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SUCK IT!”