by Erin Ryan.
CHICAGO - The technical team behind Chicago: The Great Fire reformed the world of live theatre last night by replacing the broken smoke machine with the haze of their nicotine vapes.
“I assigned 3 poshes to each stagehand, placed them in the wings, and told them to await their cue to vigorously suck and blow,” reported the stage manager who did not laugh when I followed that statement with "that's what she said." “It was a theatrical moment I will never forget. As the flames grew greater, the crew puffed harder, filling the room with some sick clouds, a couple of rings, and one of them could even do the waterfall, which I thought was pretty cool.”
Incredibly moved by the piece, critics and theatergoers alike roared with applause. The show was a wild success, even receiving a momentary standing ovation before the inevitable nicotine head rush left the crowd clutching their chairs to steady themselves.
“I have never seen anything like it in my life,” panted an excited adolescent who couldn’t stop salivating. “I just loved the take on the youth nicotine crisis. Is the room spinning? Excuse me, I need to use the bathroom,” she said as she waddled away.
Former stagehand Phillip Smith, one of the main vessels for the smoke, spoke on his experience and sudden success during his latest interview on The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon.
“I’ve been waiting my whole life for a role like this," he said as he ripped his new vape and blew the smoke into a tornado. “I mean, this is what four years of a BFA program trained me for.” Smith denied all accusations of having an addiction and claimed to be a method actor.
At press time, the 25 patrons who lost consciousness during the performance are still in urgent care, while mezzanine members are wondering if the smoke blown toward their section was indeed nicotine, as they're now very, very hungry.